2) Dead

March 1, 2013 § Leave a comment

I’m really good at acting like I’m dead. I do it all the time. Sometimes my husband tries to wake me up for work and I just lie there, holding my breath, staring at the ceiling, not blinking at all. I’m so good at it. I can stay so still and my eyelids don’t move or anything. I can hold my breath for ages too. That’s the secret to acting dead. You have to be able to hold your breath for at least a minute.

After about 30 seconds people start to get worried. You can hear it in their voice. It goes a little higher than normal, a little more strained. But I just stay there. As still as a dead person, trying not to laugh.

I do it everywhere. On the bus, in the swimming pool. Once I got so into it that I let the lifeguard actually dive in and drag me to the side of the pool. He was about to give me mouth to mouth before I broke up laughing at him.

I did it on a plane last month. I was sitting in the aisle seat and just as we began to take off I slipped out of my seat and let my whole body hang, with my head on the floor of the aisle. You should have heard my husband “Not this again, I can’t believe it.” Hilarious!

All the airhostesses came running from every side, trying to push me back on to the seat. I don’t know how I kept a straight face, I really don’t!

My husband was trying to tell them all that I was only messing and I have mental problems and they were all like “well sir she isn’t breathing so we actually are going to take this seriously.” I opened my eyes and just burst out laughing, it was too hard not to. They said that it wasn’t funny but I know they were lying; they just didn’t want to be unprofessional. I’m sure I heard them all laughing about it when they closed the curtains on their little section of the plane.

My husband stopped coming to sit beside the pool half way through our holiday. He said it was because he was sick of me playing dead in the pool every day, but I know it was really because he was getting too sunburnt. I know him too well. You should have seen all the tourists and lifeguards who fell for my trick in the pool every day. I’d put my head under the water, let my body go limp and sort of float around like a little island. I bet I looked hysterical. All these people kept jumping in to save me, some fully clothed, some with full trays of food in their hands. It was brilliant!

The best night though was when we went out to dinner. My husband wasn’t talking to me. I think it was because earlier I’d beaten him at a game of scrabble. I knew the best way to stop him being angry at me was to make him laugh, and I can literally make anyone laugh.

So I ordered soup and when it came I pretended to choke. It was the most dramatic fake death I’ve ever done. I’m not one to boast but I was really good at it. I heaved one last breath and plonked myself face first into the soup.

Quietly, in the middle of all the commotion I could hear the distinct sound of my husband chuckling softly to himself.

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