The Underpants Thief

June 26, 2013 § Leave a comment

For Dan

The strangest part is that he only took underpants. The stockroom was filled with high priced goods and designer clothes, but all of this was ignored. Underpants were all he ever took. That’s how he got his name- The Underpants Thief.

At first people thought it was an urban myth- a dark shadow that snook into the high security unit late at night to fondle the fresh, unworn underpants, taking some with him as a souvenir.

But then the robberies began to increase.

On Monday there were three pairs of tighty whiteys missing. The next day they were short a poka-dotted pair. By the end of the week they were down four monkey print pants and a banana thong.

Slowly everyone began to realise that the Underpants Thief was very real, and not just something made up by managers to strike fear into their stockroom staff’s souls.

Was he doing something sinister with all these pants, like crafting some sort of large flag? Was he just really low on underpants? Or was he addicted to the thrill of the chase?

The security cameras would pick up nothing, not even a shadow lurking through the door, but the next day the underpants section would be ransacked, with pairs missing from novelty right up to men’s sexy lingerie.

The managers were at their wits end. Who was this underpants thief, and was he attractive?

They camped out in their stockroom, hoping to catch him in the act, only to wake up disappointed to find a pair of underpants expertly tied into a blindfold around their head.

Until one day, the robberies just stopped.

The underpants section was left untouched night after night. Stockloss dropped dramatically. Banana thongs were suddenly in abundance.

Maybe he had finally completed his underpants collection, or finished his sick underpants flag. Maybe he lost the love of it. No-one will ever know.

Sometimes, just before the shop is locked up, you’ll see a pair of pants being stuffed into the crack of the delivery door. A subtle enticement for the famed Underpants Thief, placed there by a fan or admirer, hoping to lure him back so the magic and excitement he brought to the dull days of retail can return.

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